a moment of inspiration

My daughter turned 3 last month. It has been 3 years of roller-coaster ride; from worrying about the various illnesses that she had during her first year, agonizing over her heart defect, to the pure joy of hearing her laughter and seeing her proud face after she had mastered new things.

Watching her grow, I realized not to take anything for granted. Every “simple” movement and activities, from walking to talking, we learned it a while ago. Someone must have invested a lot of time and effort to teach us those things we are performing automatically now. Ideally, that someone is (are) your parents.

I am thankful to be here now, to be able to work and provide for my family, to be able to write this entry. That means someone, in this case my parents, never give up on me, even during my troubled times. Believe me, among their children, I am the one who gave them most head (and heart) aches. No matter how many bad grades I brought home, they still encouraged me to do my best, to aim for good school. I used to rebel, I thought that was solely for their own ambition. Now I realized, even if there were some traces of parental ambition, I should be thankful that they still believed in me enough to still push me to do my best.

Imagine if they just gave up and told me that it would be a waste of money to continue my education. I will be happy at that time. Economically, it would make sense for my parents. It would be money better spend elsewhere, right?

Most of us do not think that way though. We love our children so much to give up. In fact, several prominent child psychologists stated that the most important goal of parenthood is to never give up trying to help your child.

I like the word “trying”, for I will admit readily that I am pretty clueless on how to best educate my child. However, I sure will try my best. The result is secondary. What is primary is love. Here is my resolution: no matter how hard or frustrating it is sometimes, I will never give up helping my daughter. Anything that she needs I will try so hard to provide or help her to attain them! I want to assure her of one thing that she will always have: my love.

Is my resolution novel? Not really. I have the best role model: God our Father. Unlike me, he sure knows what he is doing. One thing is the same: even though sometimes the result of his caring is not what we expected, but we can always be sure of one thing: His love!

To him be the glory and honor forever!

If you have visited a shopping center in Jakarta lately, and like me, you park your car yourselves, have you ever wondered why the parking management arbitrarily sealed off certain areas even on hectic weekends, wasting our time and burning unnecessary fuels because of the wait?

My theory is that if we give the parking attendants a signal that we want to park there, they will happily remove the cones, expecting us to give them tips. The concept is nonsensical for me. Why should I give them tips on top of the hourly parking fees that I am paying? It is just another example of everyday corruptions in this graft-ridden country.

To tell you the truth, sometimes I am tempted to do just that, pay a little more for the convenience. However, if I do that, haven’t I just supported corruption? Maybe that is one of the major causes that allow corruption and many other sins to persist: voluntary ignorance for the sake of convenience.

Last week, our 5 months old daughter went into the hospital because the medicine did not have any effects on her dysentry. Needless to say, it was a very tiring time mentally for my wife and I. We just heard the week before that she has a heart problem, and now this? However, we agree that everything will work out for the best and we just try to do our part the best that we could.

We were so preocuppied of holding things together that I was unaware how my wife and I haven't had any personal time for a long time already. And one night, when our daughter was asleep in the hospital, we sat together on the bench outside of her room and just enjoyed each other's presence. After some time, we realized that God has just given us a chance to date each other at that moment :) It was a cheap date. We only had a bottle of mineral water and a bag of chips... we are easy to please huh?

I thank God for reminding me how much I love my wife, and also for reminding me that when you love someone, you just enjoy his/her presence and almost nothing else matters. If only we can apply it into our relationship with God. Just enjoy his presence, nothing else matter. The place does not matter, neither does the words, our clothes, our bodily position, nor the time of day. No pretense, no excuses... just us and God.

I have been on emotional roller coaster ever since my daughter was diagnosed with a heart problem two days ago. A part of me want to run away for a few days clear my head and emotions... but no, I won't do that. Running away means that when I come back, the problem would still be there. A part of me wants to take the problem heads on. However, there are some things that cannot be forced upon and will have to wait.

One of those things that will have to wait is the treatment of my daughter (some heart doctor says it's a "treatment" other says it's a "surgery"... Treatment sounds nicer so let's use that, shall we?). One of her veins near the heart are leaking and needs to be blocked, however, the diameter of her veins is 5mm and the ring (blocker) sizes are 3mm and 8 mm, so, we will have to wait until she is older and her veins is getting bigger. We just need to hope that there will be no incidents during our wait.

Yesterday, as I was praying, another emotion came into me. If it was up to me, I really don't want my infant daughter to go through all this. An emotion of tremendous love for my daughter and my whole being was literally screaming to God, if I can take the pain for her, I would take it. Not that I would be braver, at least I am bigger, and compared to her, I am the one who deserve to suffer. (she has no sin, and I.... go figure)

With that thought, the realization of God's grace came into me. If I, who are human, can love my daughter this much, then God's love is a million times more than my love to my daughter. If I can say that I want to replace my daughter if possible... Jesus is taking all of our sins upon the Cross so that we can be saved. And what's crazy, I want to replace my lovable, cute, adorable, beautiful and sinless daughter (you get the idea), Jesus wants to replace ME? This hard headed and cold hearted sinner??? Are you kidding me?

No kidding, that's how big his love is!

A miracle happens, I start to exercise regularly!! Don't worry it is not an apocalyptic sign :)Since I got bored easily, I tried to rotate my activities during the week.

One of those activities was swimming. I went swimming yesterday at 6 AM. No, you did not misread it. 6 AM!! I am so proud of myself. I swam for around 30 minutes then stopped because amazingly, by 6.30 the pool was already too crowded for my standard.

It was amazing that so many people are so serious in keeping their physical health. What would it be like if we are also that serious in keeping our spiritual health??

Just a thought...

Picture a person that has these criterias: charming, persuasive, knowledgeable, social, and very, very kind. This person has helped you without asking, flatter your quality, and usually, this person can tell others about his/her good deeds without appearing that he/she was showing off.

Read more through Helium!

Lately, my parents in law commented that my wife has been more attentive to them. My wife admits that it might be true due to her own experience of becoming a parent herself. She realizes how much parents can love their child and she then realizes how much her parents have loved her all this time.

You know, it is the same thing with our Father in Heaven. Should we realize how much he has loved us, if we want to take the time to enjoy his love, we couldn't help but love him back.

I love you My Father.

I have been married to my wife for two years. From my point of view, my marriage is the greatest blessing that God has ever given to me. Not only my parents no longer bug me about setlling down (haha) but he has also given me a lover and a best friend in life.

The thing about how the closer you are to one person the more you become alike to him/her is really true. It is amazing how we started to think the same way, wanting the same thing at the same time… it is just sweet. And we just trust each other in things, we trust that one will always look out for the other and will always want the best for both of us.

The same thing applies with God. The closer we are to him, the more his will becomes our will. The more we are with him, the more we trust his ways, that he wants the best for us.

Oh my Jesus, my lover, how I want the sweetness of you.

For the last couple of months I have been working like crazy. No, I did not go overtime, I still have my family to think about, however, when I am in the office, there is almost no breathing room at all.

I have one bad tendency though, when I am that busy, usually my whole body tensed all the time. I think psychologically, it is difficult for me to let go even when I am "relaxing." As a result, my energy level has been deterioriating for the last couple of weeks. Finally, yesterday was the culmination.

Last night, I went to the hospital because of extreme tiredness and I started to vomit. I felt bad because my wife is 9 months pregnant. There is NO WAY that I am going to get sick now. I was so frustrated at my "weak" self, that I had given my wife something to worry about at this time.

So, we went to the hospital, straight to the emergency room. The experience itself was so freaky. The nurse did not seem to master the art of giving IVs. There were air bubbles in the IV, which can give you heart attack. She almost put the needle through my vein when my wife screamed that there were still some bubbles left. Okay.... that freaked me out....

Furthermore, when a medicine was administered through the IV, suddenly I almost blacked out. I tried to scream but no voice came out.... AAAARRRRRGH!!!

After that, I was just too tense that even the IV hurted. So I asked them to remove the needle and just requested another type of medication. So we just waited for the lab result to come. Nothing serious. So we went home.

To make the evening perfect, at 11.30 pm in the evening, my phone rang, and it was the hospital. They forgot to charge us for the lab work and the guy just senselessly asked me to go back to the hospital to pay! I was gritting my teeth so that no words that I would be sorry about later came out. I refused to go back there but tried to cooperate by asking how much did I owe and can the bill be delivered to my house instead so that I can arrange the payment

Again the guy senselessly said that they do not have anybody to deliver it EVER! So, they would prefer to have an unfit patient drove all the way back on midnight? And he did not even have the amount prepared! Okaaaaaayyy..... I told him to have someone else call me in the morning because clearly, there is no use trying to cooperate with this guy.

So that was my evening, and today, I am at home recovering...

In the midst of all of that.... God is still good :) Yeah, I am foolishly in love with my God. So what? :)

One thing I miss from the States is the creative TV ads

Do you remember a Jack in the Box advertisement featuring "Meaty Cheesy Boys"?

Or the Taco Bell Chihuahua?

Or the Geico Chipmunks?

One thing about those advertisements, they are designed to catch our attention first. In the midst of this modern world, where many things cry for our attention, only the laudests and most eccentrics caught our attention.

Remember Jesus being caught, beaten, tried, flogged and crucified?

That should get our attention.

Or as God said to St. Catherine: "My Son is treated in this way by love, in order that the ignorant man should be unable to resist being drawn to Me".

Yes, it could be the case that we are so ignorant that the Cross is really needed so that God and His Love can really got our attention.

The question is, how long will we choose to stay ignorant? Or will we, after turning our brief attention to the Cross, finally choose to respond to His Love?

God is waiting lovingly for our answer.....

For the past few weeks I have been watching "Supernatural" on DVDs. I am at the second season now.

Watching the potrayals of evil creatures in Supernatural make me wish that the evil spirits do look like them. Seriously. Then it will be easy to discern which is good and which is evil :) I joked with my wife that all evil creatures in the series were so obvious in their appearance and behavior. It was as if they were announcing to everybody: "Look at us!!! Look at us!!! We are evil!!! YEEAAAAAAAH"

Life might be easier if evil solely chose that kind of appearance. Unfortunately, our everyday evils are not like that. Our everyday evils appear in the form of: misprioritization, white lies, ignorance, self-justification, pride and other even subtler forms. Though subtler, they are more dangerous and harder to freed ourselves from when we are trapped in their snares.

On the other side of the coin, we often choose what is obviously evil, so no, life might not be easier should evil do choose to be obvious!

Bottom line: choose good! Choose God! :)

Anyone who follows tennis would notice that Roger Federer is currently struggling. His last demise came in Cincinnati Masters when he lost to a relatively mediocre professional named Ivo Karlovic.

Federer has been dominant in men's tennis for years. He is the obvious heir to Pete Sampras, another dominant player before Federer's era. Until recently, it is very clear that sooner or later, he will break every record that Sampras has ever made.

The prediction is not that clear anymore now.

Recently, every time I saw Federer played, there was something different. The swagger wasn't there, the enjoyment wasn't there, his movement, and his strategy were all different. It was as if I were watching a different player altogether.

I would go out on a limb here and guess that it came down to one factor: CONFIDENCE. When the losses began to mount this year, somehow Federer lost something important. Something that was unseen and can't be taught by anyone. He lost his confidence that he can beat just any tennis player on this earth on any given day.

His technique is still exquisite. I am still jealous of his beautiful strokes, his smooth movement, footwork, and balance. In short, he is still a beautiful player to watch.

However, when this one factor is missing, or even decreasing, suddenly everything become different. On important points, you suddenly has doubt whether your tactics will still work. You has doubts on where to serve, and how to follow up on your serve, whether you want to pounce on your opponent's backhand just as you have done so many times before, or whether you want to give him/her a surprise by going to the forehand, et cetera, et cetera.

Those doubts really can kill you as a player. And it is similar to our faith in God. Losing faith can kill us spiritually.

When we are happy and our faith is strong, it is as if we can do no wrong. We are so sure that God is with us no matter what. But what if when we have crisis in our faith?

Suddenly we can't do anything right. We are so afraid to move on into anything. Every choice that goes through our head seems irrational. We want to listen to God, but we just can't.... we lost our connection....

I hope Federer will snap out of his slump. And I surely hope if you are currently in crisis of faith, you will also snap out of it soon. I know. It is exhausting to be in it.

The only thing that we can do when we are in our slump was just to plod on. We have to be firm in our belief that our Omnipotent Father is with us no matter what. Believe me, if Federer can get out of his slump, he will be an even stronger player (scary thought), and so also, if we can get out of our slump, we will get out of it stronger than ever for our Father "will not let you be tried beyond your strength" (1Cor 10:13)

I just started reading "Evangelium Vitae" by John Paul II when his words hit me squarely:

"the joy which accompanies the Birth of the Messiah is thus seen to be the foundation and fulfilment of joy at every child born into the world (cf. Jn 16:21)."

Roughly speaking: There is (should be) a similar joy every time a new baby is born with the joy that is felt at the birth of Christ.

In fact, the late Fr. Gerald Fisher from St. Peter Catholic Church, Stevens Point, Wisconsin was also inspired by these words and this inspiration was behind the construction of "The Joyful Mother Sculpture"

Come to think of it, yes. Every time a human was born, we are celebrating the birth of a member of the body of Christ. We are made that valuable out of God's love that makes us, mere humans, as his body! How great is that!

Let's give praise and thanksgiving to God for our lives, no matter where we are and what we are called for. Let us bring the ultimate joy that is the love of God to others, just as Jesus did and still does.

My wife says that I have a way in my questioning that can intimidate people, especially if they have "wronged" me in some ways. I used to laugh at the idea. After all, I am just a big lovable teddy bear, right?? Well, I guess sometimes my wife can be more objective than me after all. I do intimidate people sometimes with the way I question them.

The last instance was yesterday. I was looking for my design book. I remembered that two of the assistants in my office was borrowing it when they were designing posters for an event two months ago. I thought I just asked in plain, normal tone and language. However, my question suddenly put them on the defensive. They just started blaming each other without even looking for the book in their desk first.

Whoa... what happened there? I was just asking.. no need for all that rancor.

And the bad thing was, their reaction was what set me off. I don't care about the book as much as I care about their attitude. If the book was lost, I can buy it again no matter how expensive it was. However, if their attitude was that way, then I begin to question their integrity.

By questioning their attitude, I am questioning my own attitude, too. Do I also have that tendency? Maybe I am not blaming people but there are so many other things that I can blame every time I make a mistake. The weather, the company, the system, et cetera et cetera.

If taking responsibility for our own faults is very difficult, how about taking responsibility for others? Our instinct just screamed "NOOO IT IS NOT MY FAULT" every time something bad happens. It is our instinct to protect ourselves. If we who loves ourselves wouldn't take responsibility for our faults then who would? Who loves us even more than we love ourselves?

I tell you who: Jesus.

Wasn't it him who take upon the Cross for our sins almost two thousand years ago?

He is certainly not a black sheep that can be blamed for all our sins. He is our savior. He take upon the cross with his own free will. And through that, he has given an example of love for you and me!

An example of love! By taking responsibility for our sins!

That means we are to follow his example. And the first step would be to actually learn how to take responsibility for our own actions, no matter how difficult it is. Just imagine, aren't you more willing to forgive and help someone who has taken responsibility of his/her faults bravely? I think the same is with God. Yes he has forgiven us. But in order for us to be able to accept his forgiveness, we have to be able to forgive ourselves. How can we forgive ourselves if we always pointing blame to others while inwardly we know that we are at fault?

Yes it is hard to take that responsibility, however know this, often we are the ones who make it hard on ourselves. We forget that no matter what, our Eldest Brother is with us. He has carried the heaviest part of our Cross. Please, stop burdening ourselves unnecessarily by keep blaming others and by that, adding even more spiritual burden on ourselves. Rather, accept God's love and forgiveness every day. Take responsibility for your actions.

I love you Lord,
And I lift my voice
To worship You
Oh my soul, rejoice!

Take joy my King
In what You hear
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
In Your ears

I love this song because the way every word touches my soul. Though the words are simple, I can ponder on this song all day long.

Have I use every bit of my voice, every bit of my life, to worship him?
Have I really known him that well that my soul rejoice every time I feel him?
Has he taken joy in what I say, what I do, and what I think?
Has my life become sweet to him, like he has been sweet to me?

I am proud of....
... my wife
... my parents
... my siblings
... my expected child
... my friends
... my talents
... my commitment
... my integrity
... my house that shelter us
... my job
... my car
... my relationships
... everything else that I have in this world

"No one can receive anything except what has been given him from heaven." (John 3:27)

Father in Heaven..... I thank you, for without you, I will have nothing to be proud of. In fact, all I have is actually yours, you gave them to me. So let the source of my pride be you my Father. I am proud of YOU. I am proud of YOU: MY FATHER... ABBA

I had a talk with a friend of mine several months ago. He is a former Catholic who became a Protestant about eight years ago. Although I am sad every time I hear that happening, I might be one of the indifferent Catholics who would still be happy for the person, as long as s/he can find God, the Spirit, and His fruits wherever s/he is.

The thing that is weird about my friend is that he kept switching churches like television channels. I found that weird because in my experience the fruit when you are walking with the Holy Spirit is contentment. I am not saying that we should not look for improvements in our relationship with God where ever we are. However, when we feel that you cannot commit into any community or worse, any church, then I begin to question, who are we serving: God or ourselves?

Usually we are switching because we are unsatisfied with something. We are unwilling to take it, we are unwilling to make a change or change ourselves, therefore, the easy way out is to convert to another church with a belief system, culture, tradition and people that is more like us.

I find that ideology a bit self-centered. By doing that, we are claiming that the only thing matters the most is ourselves. God is working to please us, to satisfy us, and therefore, we should look for places that pleases us the most. No church, community, places, nor people should tie us...

You know, we can be somewhat biblical about that ideology, but it just does not feel right. God does not teach us to be self-centered. God can place us anywhere. There is a reason why we are in any situation, and sometimes, excruciating situation is really a chance for us to check on our intentions, on our humility, on our persistence, on our love of God no matter what.

Another one of my dear friends always said this to me: we are being placed in this situation to do great things. And I am a firm believer in that. I don't condone blind loyalty, but I do condone to find our calling: to do great things no matter what. And from that conversation, I found what is the main foundation to find our true calling, so that we don't keep wandering in the desert:

Humility.

Most people who have been in touch with me know that I have an extremely heavy addiction to caffeine. I have been drinking coffee since I was a fourteen years old boy trying to pass the exams by pulling all nighters. I am 31 years old now, so it has been seventeen years of dependence to coffee.

My families and friends have tried to talk me into quitting, or reducing, my caffeine intake. My usual portion was four mugs of thick, black coffee with little sprinkle sugar every day. I usually just brushed them off by laughing heartily. I knew I was addicted, but I just did not want to quit my addiction. I loved my addiction. Having a mug full of coffee beside me while I was working or doing anything that needed concentration was like my security blanket.

I knew that I would have to quit someday, really. In fact I had tried quitting/reducing several times before with no result because my willpower in this case were too weak. Once I tried to reduce my coffee into one cup a day, and I succeeded, however, I also drank eight cups of black tea on the side. When my toilet started to smell like tea (go figure), I realized that it was not working.

Seriously, I still had an intention to quit… one day. I just didn’t like the idea of being dependent on anything or anyone but God. I didn’t like the idea that I have another security blanket but the Holy Spirit. So, it’s just a matter when I would like to quit and a big HOW.

Here’s how:

My health state has been on a roller coaster ride for the past two weeks. First, I was rushed to the emergency room with a food poisoning. Soon after I had recovered, I caught the flu.

My first reaction when I started feeling the flu symptoms was my usual “Why God… why” tantrum. However, I tried to be positive and do my best to recover, which requires a discipline to actually rest from work. Yes, it is very, very hard to take a break from work, especially because I consider myself as a knowledge worker who can just work from anywhere without the necessity of office documents nor equipments. However, I will have to manage a training program next week and I know I could not afford to run it while recovering. So I really had to recover this week.

Thank God that for the most part, I have recovered from the flu.

You know what else I thank God about? I am actually free of my caffeine addiction!!

Don’t get me wrong, I had caught various illnesses that requires me to stop drinking coffee for a while before. However, after I recovered, usually I started to drink my usual intake again. This time, somehow I just did not.

Why this time?

Honestly, I don’t know.

I think all would agree that I had a strong willpower with regards to quitting coffee. After all, I have resisted the sweet temptation of quitting all these years. So, what gives this time?

It was totally God’s perfect power and timing.

I have relied on my willpower and my timing, obviously that did not work. What finally worked was God’s willpower and God’s timing. I just responded. That’s the beauty of it. I could not claim anything as my own effort. It was totally God’s.

We know God’s work by its fruit. The difference between my own effort and God’s effort is immense. Every time I tried to quit with my own power, I was miserable. The world seemed bleak and I just did not want to deal with the headache and drowsiness that comes with the cravings.

This time, I was doing it joyfully, and you know, I was excited about it. Yes, there were cravings, headaches, and drowsiness. However, somehow this time I believed that they would pass.

And you know what? They did.

These past few days I realized that even though I still have cravings, they are not accompanied with headaches nor drowsiness. My cravings was for the enjoyment, not for the addiction.

And the fruit of this whole experience is a tremendous sense of joy. A newfound freedom. It is as if I am a slave who have just been told that I am free to do as I will. I no longer worry about not having enough caffeine. I no longer feel the need of having a mug full of coffee all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I still love coffee. I realized that by not addicted, I love coffee even more. Weird, isn’t it? When I drink coffee now, my enjoyment is multiplied. It is as if God is enjoying it with me. I no longer just enjoying His creation, I am enjoying Him.

I still have a tremendous craving, only that my craving now is more focused to the One who are supposed to be my addiction: God. Yes, I only want to addicted to God. Addicted to my Lover!

Book currently read: Love in the Little Things by Mike Aquilina

I am recommending it, especially for all who already have, or planning to have, families of their own. The book is so good, romantic, and cute... I couldn't help but smiling when I read the tales of how Mike start to date his wife. I couldn't help but share the stories of how he patiently listened to his daughter explaining about Barbie's pants to a visiting priest... really, it is so cute.

Why I like it so much? Because I think every family can relate to his stories because of their simplicity. It makes me realize how blessed my family are and it makes me couldn't help but love my family even more!!

Another thought aboout being a role model....

I just realized how beautiful it can be. Having to be role models for Bernie will actually push us to grow also: spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. My God it is beautiful. Bernie is already an active participant in true love. True love makes the participants grow together, out of the love for each other. Having Bernie makes us want to grow, to be better, out of love for each other.

Thank you Bernie.

Thank you Lord.

I anticipate that one of the hardest thing of being a parent is to be a role model for my kid. If I expect my kid to be responsible, then my wife and I should show our responsibility. If I expect my kid to be loving, we should be loving first.

Yes it will be hard, because like it or not, most children will take example from their parents. Just as most people will also take example from their leaders. Hence why, just like parents, one of the hardest duties for leaders is to be role model to the people they lead.

This is one of the reasons why Indonesia is such a mess. We are in crisis for role models. Our leaders are corrupt, they never fulfil their promises, nor are they ashamed to make policies and decisions that blatantly show their greed and detachedness from the people.

As a result, Indonesians, the most charming people in the world according to our past propaganda, show little care for each other. Each of us is an egomaniacs, we want things to go our way, regardless of the cost to others. For an obvious example, just try to watch one hour on Jakarta's rush hour traffic. Many people just don't care if others are having heart attack because of the way they use the street (many are not necessarily driving a car or riding a motorcycle). Many just don't follow the rules anymore. Worst of all, is that many people of power, who are supposed to be role models, are using their powers to avoid the "commoners traffic". They are above commoners. Why should they be in traffic even if they are just going home from work? Just have your bodyguards, entourage, and policemen to force others to make way for you.

It is a disgusting shortcut to everyday problem and yes, we have too many people who are supposed to be role models taking shortcuts in life. I surely want to protect my kid from this shortcut attitude. You want a better traffic? Then we'd better start to work together for it. You want a better life? Work for it. No shortcuts!

Being an expecting father, I am starting to make preparations. One of them is how we will raise our Bernie (yes, we have a name already).

Because the cost of labor in Indonesia is very cheap, many families have multiple servants and babysitters. I won't argue against having them. In fact, we do have our own guard/house cleaners, even though he does not cook nor clean our private rooms. We like our privacy! We are considering however, whether to have a part-time nanny after Bernie have been born because both of us will still be working.

One thing for sure, I don't want Bernie to grow up spoiled and relying on the nanny or any servants to help him/her do stuff. It is not just the matter of teaching the child to be independent. I want to teach my child to be responsible from the very beginning. If you make a mess, then you have to clean it yourself. If you are the one going to school, you have to learn how to prepare your uniform, books, et cetera.

I have seen many children from families who have servants and nannies, and most of them have the sense of "entitlement". They wake up and called for their nannies/servants to prepare their school uniforms, clean up their rooms, and so forth. I don't like this trend at all. It teach them to be irresponsible. I make a mess and someone else will clean it up for me, because I am entitled to get help!

No Sir, thank you, no child of mine will grow up that way.

We've got heartbeats Ladies and Gentlemen!!!!

Those cheesy movies are right. It feels like a miracle .

Yesterday, I went through a heart-stopping moments when I read a text message from my wife:

"I am positive for rubella"

My God!

Being a guy in information age, of course I immediately googled "rubella in pregnancy". The result was disheartening:

Rubella, or German measles, is most dangerous to your baby if you catch it during the first 16 weeks of pregnancy. Rubella can cause miscarriage, stillbirth or birth defects in unborn babies, such as deafness, brain damage, heart defects and cataracts. This is called congenital rubella syndrome and it is transmitted to the baby through the placenta. Rubella is now rare as people were either vaccinated at school or as part of the childhood vaccine MMR.
Taken from: http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/articles/article.aspx?articleId=1104#

After I read the info, my legs felt like spaghettis... However, I know my wife would also have googled the same thing. So, bravely (though not faithfully) I texted her back:

"Let's not make any assumptions for now, we are not sure what the lab result really means. Meanwhile, just pray to God that his will be done."

Thank God that my fingers did not also turn into spaghettis :)

I have to admit though, at that time, I texted her out of reason, not out of faith. I was just trying to calm her down, and let me do the panic part :) As it turned out, what the lab test meant was that my wife had contacted rubella before and therefore, is IMMUNE to rubella now.

Praise God!

And of course I felt so stupid worrying for no reasons at all... you know, sometimes too much information can kill ya! Seriously, I think there is a threshold where we have just enough information for our well-being, however after you passed that threshold, our well-being started to go down due to too much information.

Am I making any sense at all?

Well, to put it into perspective, I think in this age where we can get so much information about everything, many, many things that we wouldn't have known before can worry us. That is why faith in God who are all loving, all powerful and all purposeful, is more important than ever! Imagine if we have no faith in God, then, we can be worn down due to all these worrying infos, most of them might be unnecessary...

I am learning this especially during our pregnancy. Yes my wife and I can control some of the things, such as our behaviors and habits. However, we have no other intelligent choice but to give everything else up to God and have faith that everything will work for good for everyone who loves him and who are called according to his purpose.

AMEN!

We are pregnant!!!

Thank you Lord!!

Flash News Report: Being unable to sleep for three days can actually drive you nuts!!

Nothing new about that, except now I guess the dog which had been yelping almost non stop for three nights in a row has stopped.

The first day, I just laughed about it...

Second day, I sigh and tried to sleep...

Third day, I stormed out of my room, opened my front door violently without any care that I am still wearing my underpants, walked to my neighbor's gate, called him and told him to take care of his dog.

I passed several people in that short trip: my house sitter, a street vendor, several construction workers... all watched the scene in amazement, probably reading my violent body language, and waiting to see a fight...

No fight though, the dog owner apologized and promised to take care of it... sorry to disappoint you guys...

In any case, that makes me wonder:

1. Why haven't I done it earlier, when I am still cool ? That will give me two nights of uninterrupted sleep!
2. Why haven't anyone else complained? Seriously the dog was downright yelping,
3. Why did the dog yelped? Due to neglect? Please pet owners, if you decide to have pets then be responsible for them!

Thank God that despite losing my mind somewhat, I still had a bit of control over what I said at that time. Thank God that the owner did not do anything to worsen the situation... so I guess my guardian angels worked overtime yesterday :P

I hate to admit it, but I am currently dry spiritually.

Why do I hate to admit it? Maybe it is because of my pride. I always like to convey the image that everything in my life is A-OK. If I have to admit that something negative is going on in my life, I somehow feel like a failure.

If this makes people think that I am very insecure, so be it. It is how it is.

The good thing is that God was gracious enough to make me finally realize that I am spiritually dry. Actually, this has been going on for a while. I just either did not realize or just did not want to admit it. Maybe the later would be more accurate. I have noticed that I become short-tempered lately. I am just easily annoyed nowadays. I also worry a lot. I am worried about my work, about my new business ventures, about my family, about my future, about whether or not we will have children…. (ouch, the last one is a big one)

I hope with this realization, somehow I can turn back to you my Lord, my Lover and my God. I love you Jesus. I need you more than anything in my life. I am sorry if I chose to walk through my life alone lately. I have learned my lesson. Never before I felt this lonely. Yes, I have people around me, but I am spiritually lonely. It hurts… it really really hurts to realize this…. I know you will never leave me, but let me just say it… please don’t leave me like this. Let me feel you once again

My wife is currently recovering from Hepatitis....

She was diagnosed with it last month, during my previous trip to South Kalimantan (not during the recent trip to East Kalimantan I just mentioned). I wanted to get back but I was in the middle of nowhere. No airports nearby and the flights are not that many anyway. The experience of not able to do anything for someone whom I love so much right then devastated me psychologically.

It just made me think, if I, this weak soul, can love another this much, how much does our Father in Heaven love us?

If I was devastated for not being able to do anything for someone I love, how much did Mother Mary suffer when she could not do anything but pray when she saw Jesus being tried, scourged, and crucified?

I was reminded of a text from one song: "If you really love her, you gotta set her free".

In this context, it applies.... true love is when we can set someone free from our worries and entrust them in God's love. When I am being hard headed in worrying about them, I am actually saying that I am not willing to entrust them in God's love, I am entrusting them in MY LOVE that is limited....

When I prevent another to get better things than I can offer just because it makes me feel good and responsible... it is actually egoistical isn't it?

This past week, I had the opportunity to go around East Kalimantan, using the time to broaden my personal and professional perspectives.

The trip was very tiring though. It was three towns in three days, using both small planes and car trips to go around. We hung out until midnight, just because our hosts are "sungkan" (tried to please us), while my body and mind were screaming for us to get to bed already... and yes I am getting old...

The experience underlines again on how rich Indonesia is, if only someone wants to manage it right, with long-term perspectives. Currently, the area is rich because the government is selling land-use concessions for their own benefit so that big companies can build mining operations and destroy the environment.

Seriously, I was shocked to hear that even companies who claimed that they are "green" are burying their used tractor tires undereath the top soil...

When we asked, the reps said, it does nothing to the environment..

Yeah right... maybe after 12 kegs of beer I will start to believe ya dude!!!

Hypocrites!

Ever since I got married in 2006, I seldom go out nor spend quality time with my parents anymore. It is ironic because one of the reasons why I went back to Indonesia was so that I could be with them more. Nowadays, we mostly meet for meals every now and then.

Today was the first time in a long while when my wife and I actually hang out with them more than having meals together. I have to be honest, I am joyful to be able to do that again. The hectic pace of our lives has somehow prevent us to spend more time together.

Hopefully, there will be more days like today....

Just spent the first week of 2008 having a lot of meetings with my clients. I learned something during the meeting: I often clash with people who are so afraid of their boss. Somehow I just couldn't stand making decision based on the phrase "My boss wants..." It is ok if the decision is good, but if you know.... YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART AND YOUR OWN REASONING MIND that you have a better idea, then you should at least try to talk to your boss about it... oh dude!!!

However, trying to understand my client's position, I finally just drew out the choices and the risks involved if we follow the boss' ideas... And if they understand the risks and ready to take steps to mitigate it, then we can do it. See how nice I am?? LOL

The trouble is that the feodalist culture of my clients prevents me to go after the boss... After the initial phase, I seldom meet the boss myself, I have to go through his managers who are assigned to my project teams... hmm... Maybe the boss couldn't stand to meet me, the rebellious consultant eh?? Hahaha...

Weird thing is that everytime I meet the boss during the initial phase, he seemed to agree with our method.

Freakin feodalistic & bureaucratic culture.....

Today, I heard a very good news from my parents, the news was: the church in my parish had finally put on air conditioning!!!

Yes, I am a spoiled city boy. However, try to empathize with me. Ever since I got married, I seldom visited the church in my own parish. I usually go to my old parish because they have air conditioning. This is impractical in itself, since it takes 15-20 minutes drive to reach my old parish from my house whereas my supposed parish church is only 5 minutes away from my house

We do this because the heat and noise are unbearable, except if we attend the 6 am Mass. However, we usually could not muster enough willpower to wake up that early on Sunday. After 6 am Mass, you can basically forget getting any comfort. The church is unfortunately located at a very busy shopping district. From 8 am until late at night, the street will be very busy, noisy, and polluted.

If you do not understand what I mean, please try to search about Jakarta’s traffic condition. The public transportation (read: buses and bajaj) are both air and noise pollution makers. There are no regulation for smog check and no limitation for honking the horns. You can basically honk your horn anywhere and anytime you like. Indonesia’s tropical climate does not help the case either.

So, imagine having to concentrate in a Mass with all the polution, noise and heat. Yes, I was spoiled by American standard. And yes, I wish I have reached the kind of love for God where anything that is happening in this world cannot interfere with my concentration. Unfortunately, I haven’t. So sue me.

The point is, while I am happy to hear the news, in fact, I will try to go to 5 pm Mass later today, I am sad at the same time to think about how our quality of live have deteriorated to such condition where we could not enjoy even fair air quality. Indonesia is a bad example in keeping the orders and quality of life, which is sad, because we have such a beautiful country, if only we can manage it.

Help me God for I am still a very weak human being, far from the perfection like that of the Father in Heaven....

Being in a challenging environment has a potential to bring out the worst in you. I have been blessed to have the opportunity to be in one by being in Jakarta, Indonesia.

Needless to say, traffic was very bad. Not only one suddenly become egomaniac once he/she is on the road, but the law was also inconsistent at best. The law enforcement agents are easily bribed, and the mentality has been fostered in years, that now, most of them invite bribery. They often intentionally make strange gestures, planting hard-to-understand road signs, allowing us to blatantly break the common-sense traffic law (such as crossing the red light), and then whenever they feel like it, they then stop us saying that we are in violation of anything....

Today, I got into this unfortunate situation.

Against common sense, I argued with the police, I know he was the one who invited all the cars to cross the red light. I know it is common to do so. Every time I passed this intersection, there is always one or two police waving their arms telling the cars to disregard the traffic light and follow their gestures instead. I know this was the case also today because I am not the only one who crossed the traffic light.. there are many other cars as well, and he somehow plucked me.

Needless to say, he was pissed that such miscreant as myself dared to argue with him, the gods of the road. After all, he is above the law isn't he? So he took away my license and wrote me a ticket. At that point, I decided that I don't care...

However, it was very odd that on the first chance he offered me to settle it with him, I took that offer. Good job fugu. Why don't you just take your self-worth, and flush it down the toilet before you drive this morning? That would have felt better.

Help me God that next time, I would never ever take such offer anymore. I definitely do not want to contribute in this country's "please-bribe-me-sir" mentality.

I remembered hearing a presentation from a homeschooling expert that one of the toughest job of being a homeschooling parent is to be consistent between your beliefs, words, and actions.

I could not agree more.

I have just finished reading "Krakatoa" by Simon Winchester. Funny that though I count myself as a new generation Indonesian, meaning, I have no attachment whatsoever to the "Old Batavia", I could not help but feeling nostalgic by his description of how Old Batavia was.



I have never got a "proper" Indonesian history during my formal education years due to the much propagandized history books then. It is always fun to read history from the view of a (hopefully) neutral person. In the propagandized books, the Dutch are always pictured as sadistic, sly, bloodsucking colonizers. Maybe some of the facts are true. Why try to rule a land thousand miles apart from your country if you can not get some benefits from the land? Purely social intentions? Nah I don't think so.

The irony is that... if not because of the greed of Indonesian people themselves at that time, the Dutch wouldn't have ruled Indonesia at all... and Portuguese were just too lazy to rule any distant countries and would easily be discouraged by several minor uprisings.

Here is what I am talking about: When the Dutch first arrived in Banten, they tried to build a small fort to protect their local interests. The Portuguese, being the first Europeans to establish themselves there, obviously did not like it at all. So, they prepared to attack the newly built fort.

Realizing their weak position, the Dutch General tried in vain to contact nearest colonies to ask for reinforcement. The other colonies simply said no... they were not that stupid to oppose the Portuguesans who have much larger firepower in the area. So, the Dutch was in a very precarious situation.

However, the Portuguese army never arrived because they were halted by the local minor sultan who feel that he would "deserve" whatever spoils the Portuguesans would have gotten from their obvious upcoming victory. The Portuguese basically said "screw you" to this slob, however did nothing but wait until this lazy slob got tired from blocking the road and let them attack the fort anyway.

It turned out, the big dog, the Sultan of Banten, heard of this news and got pissed at this sultan for trying to do such things. The Sultan of Banten felt that if anyone DESERVED to get a piece of the spoils, he would be THE ONE, since it was HIS area after all...

So, screw this minor sultan. The Sultan of Banten definitely doesn't really like the bloodsucking Portuguese and would like more allies to strenghten his fat grip on the area, so he made a pact with the Dutch: He would protect them from any dangers, while the Dutch would give him a share of whatever riches they got at that time.

This sudden change of situation scared the Portuguese away. They definitely did not want to piss the Sultanese of Banten. That would be suicidal at that time. So, they retreated and the Dutch miraculously got away from their predicament unscatched.

Everyone happy? Not really... The big dog, the Sultan of Banten, still pissed at this minor sultan, quickly deposed him from power...

The rest is history. That is the beginning of 350 years of colonization by the Dutch....

You see, money was thicker than blood even then... It was deemed as more important than our land, our own people. Screw them as long as I got money. Now I realized that the mentality had been there centuries ago.....

My gosh...

I wish I could just take a one-month vacation, avoiding Asian Cup. I have to pass THAT stadium every time I am going home from work... darn it.. no choice....

Speaking of Asian Cup, here is Indonesia's tally of hosting it so far:

• 1st Day: hundreds of fans almost rioted because they were cheated out of tickets - officials says it was not their fault as the printed tickets hadn't come from their malaysian vendors
• 2nd day: ticket problem solved, and everything seemed to be under control... except that on the 85th minute, the stadium light went out, leaving the pitch in darkness... NICE!!! Candlelight football anybody? Again, it was nobody's fault.

Isn't it nice to work in this country... it is never your fault... things simply go away unnoticed...

I am afraid to think of what will happen the third day... will a volcano rise from the stadium ground?

Whatever happens, it will be nobody's fault....

Just read an article in an Indonesian newspaper this morning on how the authorities successfully busted an illegal logging business... Well done!!

However, I could not help but wondering why they decided to destroy the logs. The logs were ready to use. A log is a log, and I can think of better uses for those logs rather than destroying them.

Why should they destroy them? The trees already fallen, and the logs produced from the trees would be better of be used rather than burned. When the illegal logs are burned rather than used, then we will cut even more trees just to use "legal" logs. Sell them to contractors and use the money for the poor or to build undeveloped areas... there are many of those in Indonesia..

I don't know, maybe my thinking is too bottom-line oriented?